Dear diary 5/30/16

Dear diary, 

It’s late. Let’s take it back to hmmm almost a year ago 

Here we go. 

I met him around a year ago. May even be longer I can’t even tell anymore because usually all my days are jumbled up together. But anyways. I met him. It was like instantly we clicked. We became best friends fast. But here you go fallin in love with this fool. I didn’t care though. I kept it a secret for a long time. It was today 5/30/16 I actually got balls and said something. Why did it take me this long? 

To realize that I loved you. And why did it take me to get drunk. Alcohol is wicked. But it’s my best friends birthday so why not. But any ways. Back to my story about this person. I think I fell in love with him the day I did his orientation. I wasn’t even allowed to do them but my boss insisted or she just didn’t really want to do it. But I didn’t care. I swear we sat and talked for an hour. Orientations aren’t supposed to be that long. He seemed pretty nervous. I was actually nervous because it was my first one I’ve ever done and I always twist my words and make my self sound dumber than I am. I ramble and probably sound like an idiot. So I’m pretty short. I might have awkwardly shook his hand an introduced my self. I can’t really remember but, holy shit dude was tall. And his voice. I don’t know but I’ll always remember it. It’s like embedded into my brain. I’m not going to go into detail but most of it was work related and I tried to find out a few things about him just so I could know more about him. He wasn’t from around here. Why did I feel like weird like this. Something strange was happening. A beautiful friendship. We were definitely friends more than anything. As we became better friends I found myself feeling some type of way. Feeling like I wanted to be more than friends. It was a disaster waiting to happen. And it was only because I knew he was eventually going to leave back to where he lived. I always knew this. It ate me alive. I found myself falling for this kid. But I never told anyone because I always knew he was going to leave and it would be heartbreakingly sad. Well here I go my bright idea, tell him that I like him.. 

Didn’t go as planned. At all. He wanted to be friends and he probably knew that it killed me. Mostly because I Am pretty bad at flirting and I’m sure he could tell by this time, more than a few months down the road that I liked him. At this point I didn’t care. But we talked about it. Because one night when I was drinking, much like tonight I decided to tell him how much I liked him. We were actually both drunk. I remember this night. It was a get together at his apartment. I actually liked every minute of it. We talked all night. Flirted. I got those funny feelings like butterflies or some shit. But I felt great. I remember we were in his living room, mind you there were a bunch of people there, I guess we didn’t seem to care but I was giving him a back massage, pretty much on top of him, go me, but I didn’t care. It felt like we were the only people in the world in that moment. Any ways I think at that point we decided to go to his room. Only because someone might of said get a room lol. We weren’t on top of each other doing it. Just in deep conversation giving him a friendly back massage. We go to his room and what I can sorta remember I professed my love to him. After we talked and I massaged him until what I can remember it being light out. It was a wonderful night. Until I was left with the ” I think it’s better we be friends” ugh. I get it, you’ll be leaving this horrible place we live in soon anyways and we’ll just ruin our friendship. I didn’t care though. I feel like it could of been that much better if we just kissed. Maybe he would of realized. We always had that amazing chemistry. It could of been that something wonderful that I’ve been searching for. Maybe it was supposed to happen like this. But a while later I’m still feeling like something is missing. There’s something more out there. What if that something was him. Why did it take me so long to realize. Now you’re so far away and you’re just now realizing how perfect I was. We could of been perfect together. 

But fate and karma and whatever else is out there in the universe apparently has something else planned. But damn. Just one more time I wish I could have that feeling back. 
It seems as of late that my past is coming back go haunt me. Some good some evil and some worse. But it’s been helping me realize I actually am a good person and the light at the end of the tunnel is finally starting to get brighter. I just needed these little reminders to get me moving even if they do hurt. I think that’s the universe trying to light a fire under my ass and help me out. 
I went on rant. But as usual it’s alWays good to get things out. Don’t hold that shit in anymore. It’s not good for the soul. 
Am I in love with him? 

Did I possibly think of taking a train to see him or even a flight? 

Yea maybe I did. Was I going to? Probably not. But what if we both never know. What could of been. Wish we would of at least tried. 
I can’t think about it like that anymore. 

I’ll think of the good memories we shared, when we did spend time together because that’s what we had and maybe all. 
But I gotta Keep on keepin on. 

It’ll all be alright. 




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