I have so many things to say but, when I try to get the words out its just a bunch of jumbled up sentences that don’t make any sense lately. I have a pretty positive idea why this is going on. Getting off anti-depressants are a bitch. When I talk to someone I feel like I’m talking Chinese. People look at me lately like I’m a fucking idiot, excuse my language, but shit what is happening to me?! I don’t feel smart at all these days. Its like my brain went to sleep but I’m still awake. Why do anti-depressants do this to people and why do they still give them to people to try to make them “happy”? The last four years were pretty much a blur. I’m slowly putting the pieces back together one by one. I’m becoming less and less “zombified” as I like to call it.
“Here let me take a pill that’s going to make me feel numb to all feelings”. “Thank you Doctor”. I’ve had some pretty decent days and then some pretty terrible days where I don’t want to get out of bed and do anything. Especially write. I can’t think. I don’t feel like doing anything. Anti-social, I don’t even look at social media. I try but, I just don’t want to or FEEL like it. I sure do say this word FEEL a lot but, I sure haven’t felt anything in the longest time. I deleted my Facebook a couple months ago. I feel like posting nothing. Doing nothing. The end is near though. I can sorta feel it, if that makes any sense. (Big ball of contradictions here)
When weaning back off these horrific drugs that I’ve been on the last four years I realize how much time I’ve lost. I’m never getting it back. They made me a person I never want to look back on. Not that it was a bad person, just numb to a lot of things that I shouldn’t of been.
Even though I feel like complete shit some days I know that these “happy” pills aka devil drugs are almost out of my system for good and I can finally move on.. I won’t feel numb to feelings anymore.. I only have about a week left of my “happy” pills left for good. This is it. Almost finished with this chapter. I’m ready for the next one.
let go; it’s time to be free, it’s hurt for too long to hold on, deep breath moonchild, let go..be free✨