Four years Part II


 Sometimes I often wonder if I was off all of these medications how I would feel. I dream of what I would be doing. Where I would be. I wouldn’t be in this dark hole I’m living in right at this moment in my life. I would be out exploring the world. Learning new things everyday. Not just doing the same things over and over again until my head explodes. It’s sad and boring. Sometimes lonely. 

Why did it take me four long years to realize I was stuck in the same place? Not moving forward. At the same job. Still hating every moment of it. I wish it was a dream. I’m not happy here. This habit I’ve become so used to is slowly killing me inside. 

It’s making the people around me suffer. I’ve never really had a close relationship with my family maybe it has something to do with being adopted, I’m not really sure. It also has a lot to do with my personality type as well. I feel they don’t get me at times. I just don’t have the energy to explain the way I am to them.

My son, he is my world. I can say that he understands me. I cherish the relationship we share. My love grows each day for him more and more. He is the only real reason I keep going everyday. I keep trying. I will never let my fears and anxieties get in the way of being a good mother to him. I continue to grow for him. I want to make our life better because of him. I want to be a better person because when he gets older I want him to have the best life possible. I want him to grow up looking up to me. Not thinking why was she always so depressed and on the edge all the time. I never want our relationship to suffer. 

I want to get stuck out of this dark miserable place for him. Everyday when I wake him up he gives me the hope that it will get better. Everything will be some kind of wonderful soon. 

It won’t be perfect. It hasn’t been anything like perfect. No one on this earth is and I wish some people would remember this. 

[You may think in my previous post “oh she’s a stoner” and yes I’m a mother too. And no, your opinion doesn’t matter so let’s just get that out of the way now. It doesn’t affect my judgement. I do not smoke in front of my child and I don’t act ridiculous. Not that I need to justify myself to anyone.] 

I will keep trying for him everyday

He makes my life perfectly complete. 

He is my reason. 

Moonchild 🌛

🌞You are my sunshine 

     My only sunshine 

   When you’re not happy skies are grey..✨


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