Four Years


Four years passed by so quickly, four damn years. When someone tells you since you’re fourteen that you’re depressed, anxious, and bipolar you really don’t have a clue what that means. Twenty six now [my year of learning] I find it interesting the more I learn about my personality{infp}, the more I learn I’m actually not crazy. Well, not that crazy. Weird yes, not really crazy. I like myself, who I am becoming, it’s still a learning process. Everyday I learn how to deal with situations and problems from finding out that I am an infp. It opened up my eyes to another world. I saw the bigger picture. It made me want to completely reevaluate myself and want to change my future (slowly but surely) and dream bigger. 

Four years I have been on anti-depressants, feeling like a zombie. Trapped, days, months became years it just passed me by. Here I am today stuck in the same place. I’m done. I want out. Where the hell have I been all this time? I feel like I’m still in the past. Most people really have no clue what’s going on with me. To some I fell of the face of the earth, boom just like that. I can care from a distance. But, then I found out there were those people I didn’t need in my life at all so I suppose it worked out somewhat in my favor. 

A few things I don’t understand. Why doctors are just willing to give you these pills that are supposed to make you “feel” better? They end up killing you slowly anyways. Give them something that helps..not something that makes you just “feel” like you’re going through the motions  in life. 

I’ve felt so empty inside for as long as I can remember. Numb. Why do I never want to go anywhere or do fun things? 

Do not operate heavy machinery while taking this drug

May cause drowsiness

Alcohol may intensify 

and the side effects?! 

So many side effects.

Honestly I can’t remember a time when there was a day when I didn’t feel sick or like crap or tired. Usually migraines. Two to five days a week I would get migraines. It was spiffy. My body would want to stay home and sleep. My mind is trapped inside telling me to get out and adventure the world. It’s crazy. That’s when I found out about the lovely “Mary Jane”. I obviously knew about it. Just re-introduced to it a second time.  I don’t live in a box but, it’s like those things that you put in the back of your mind and forget its there.  You’re not supposed to talk about it or think about it because it’s “the devil“. 

Marijuana has gotten me through some rough sicknesses and migraines these last few years. Also, with my terrible anxiety, it helped. When I smoke it helps me do the things “normal” people can do. I’m sure this sounds crazy to some people but this is my story. 

It helps me do the normal daily activities in life that I need to get done. Being on all these anti-depressants for so long turned me into this person I hated. I was becoming meaner and always sleepy and always had a stupid migraine. I never wanted anything to do with the outside world. This got so old for me. I wasn’t the person I know I’m supposed to be.. 

Someone told me about weed. I tried it once along time ago when I was about nineteen. Didn’t really have that great of an experience. No one told me it was a bad idea to eat three weed brownies for your first time. After that I pretty much told myself I  wasn’t going to try it again. So I was actually hesitant. But, I was so sick of being sick and tired all the time so I just gave it a shot again. 

I remember it very well. I had a bad migraine been going on for about six days. It got so bad I said “F this give me a joint” I’ll try anything at this point my head is going to explode. So I got the goods. Didn’t over do it this time. Twenty minutes pass, hell it could of been ten for all I know but, I never felt better and I finally had relief after six days of that horrible migraine. It felt good to not be in pain. 

Marijuana- I don’t consider it a drug or addictive. I don’t care what people think of me or if they look at me differently. It helps me and that’s really all that matters. It takes me to another level. A better place. A happier more, calm spiritual place. I feel like I can act like my natural self. Quirky; warm, loving, caring, humorous, creative self. A “drug” that people think harms is really helping me become free of the pain I’ve been living in for so long. Maybe, it’s all in my head or, you think I’m crazy but, it’s helped me get out of this hell I’ve been in for so long. 

This plant that people get so angry and think should be illegal actually helps people more than anti-depressants. Prescription drugs is what kills people not weed. People need to get a grip and move on to something else that actually matters. 
I’ve been smoking Mary Jane a good three years now but I’ve also still been on my anti depressants. I’ve just been stuck. I haven’t had the courage to get off them until now

It’s going to be a long hard process but, I’m finally going to rid the toxins out of my body. I’m proud of myself for doing this, finally. I don’t want to feel trapped in my body anymore. All because some doctor told me I’m bipolar, depressed and anxious. I have felt more depressed and anxious since I’ve been on prescription drugs. I  don’t want die. I’m changing my life today

The next chapter in my life begins. 


The journey starts now.. 

 Moonchild🌛 “she built up a world of magic because her real life was tragic..”✨


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